A. A. Gill

“Songs are all poetry, and they don't make any sense.”

“Boredom is not a thing. It's not a feeling or a condition. It is the absence of feelings, things and conditions.”

“You see, the problem with Dave Cameron is that people know who he is. The less people know about him, the more he's likely to get re-elected.”

“When I joined the Sunday Times the people I was competing with were all 10 or 15 years younger, they all had double firsts from Oxford or Cambridge, they were all bright as new pins.”

“Really, I like the future. I appreciate my automatic alarm-call necklace in case I get lost and confused in a mall. I appreciate the watch that tells the hospital my blood pressure's gone ballistic. I like my computer, just as long as it doesn't get ideas above its workstation.”

“Nature gave you your look and there's only a limited amount you can do about that, but what you wear is the skin you choose for yourself.”

“No British TV company could ever make a series like 'The West Wing' about British politics. It would beggar credibility. No one could write it with a straight face, or perform it without giggling.”

“There are five great ages of man - five moments when you need to reevaluate everything, clear out the cupboard and the wardrobe, and most importantly, your head. They are 13, 20, 30, 40 and 60. All men need to know this.”

“The French are never happy coming to London; this is an ancient and comforting enmity.”

“Because there is no better tool for writing than experience. It has very little to do with grammar and everything to do with knowing.”

“I tell you, once a girl's got a dose of novels she's a pushover for iambic pentameter.”

“Personal adornment is the only cultural form that everybody in the world takes part in.”

“You can propose marriage naked or in handcuffs, but no one is going to agree to forsake all others for a man in shorts. You can't declare war in shorts or deliver a eulogy in shorts.”

“So, being a good man is not an exam or a qualification, it changes, and it incorporates being a good friend, a good father, a good employee, a good boss, a good neighbour and a good citizen.”

“And learn to tie a bow - it's not difficult and there's no excuse for either a clip-on or the hideous Hollywood straight tie.”

“Frightened is the natural state for all men.”

“Penicillin and plastic bags help a lot, fridges and hot water make manliness more comfortable and Tom Ford's fragrance range makes it smell better, but the idea that has pushed our lives into the light more than any other -ism or -ology is feminism.”

“So much of life is not about whether you're good or bad, or right or wrong, or can afford or not afford - it's just about timing.”

“People collect boredom, they hoard it, they wallow in it, hoping that one day it'll be of interest and become an effete ennui. Let me tell you, it doesn't.”

“I generally only eat one meal a day, which is pretty unusual for a restaurant reviewer. It's not that I have a problem with food; I'll eat anything that doesn't involve a bet, a dare, or an initiation ceremony.”